Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh