*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Just me?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
A drum solo but on your face.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Does beer think about me too?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
the three branches of government
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Kermit goes Blue.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.