Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Saw your ex at the shops
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.