Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise