George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working