George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
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One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.