My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I love you…
…r dog.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.