George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
This checks out
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle