GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
You Might Also Like
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine