You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
You Might Also Like
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.