Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk