Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
This is me 🤣🤣
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Should I call tech support or pray or what