Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?