“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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When you let grandma cat sit
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
i love modern commerce
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.