GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Merry Christmas
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*