[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.