-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.