-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario