[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
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Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please