I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I put the mess in domestic.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.