Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”