@slimmy_shady: "Get a load of this guy!"- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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@hipchkk: Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
@fro_vo: Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job Me: *already asleep on a folding chair* Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
@thedailymarker: Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
@DudeImShawn: Math problem: Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.