“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.