@slimmy_shady: "Get a load of this guy!"- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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@illuminatedwndr: I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
@maughammom: Told my kids to get rid of toys they don't play with, so if you hear a commotion it's just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] "So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?" Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?