@slimmy_shady: "Get a load of this guy!"- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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@timdonakowski: My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
@LeBearGirdle: Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
@theshantilly: Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago. Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
@boring_as_heck: Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I'd like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.