Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”