For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
You Might Also Like
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar