Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
The sacred texts.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Every haunted house movie:
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired