@torrami: Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
@AngelaEhh: Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
@badbanana: The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
@tkhan74: I've been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name.
@PhuckinCody: me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird