Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes