Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*jazz hands*