“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours