Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
You Might Also Like
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?