@cray_at_home_ma: Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.
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@NolaChef504: When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can't reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways
@dafloydsta: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat. [camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
@FilthyMacrame: I'm a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
@KentWGraham: The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I'm not telling her.