@cray_at_home_ma: Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.
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@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
@RappaRick: Monday: forearms Wednesday: forearms Friday: forearms Sunday: forearms --Popeye's gym schedule
@WilliamRodgers: I'm 32 years old and I've watched Frozen 26 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
@vineyille: Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation. Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven't fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.