I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”