Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You Might Also Like
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I laughed at this way too hard.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
synchronized noseblowing
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message