I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.