@sskylark: If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

@wickedsuga: Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing herself immediately after I pet her.

@GringoBrulee: HR: Do you know why we called you in here today? Me: I'm not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@bromanconsul: LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking

@iluvyogacats: Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!