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i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform