@SkinnerSteven: Seismologists are loyal to a fault

@dorsalstream: As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I've turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@northcoastkevin: The first rule of liars club is to tell everyone you're in fight club.

@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.