@WeekendTwitr: Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
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@MelvinofYork: Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.
@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
@Jtweeters: If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.