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Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?