One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
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Itās cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
āHear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture thisā¦ mobile margarita truck!ā
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Autocorrect changed āstripā to āsyrupā, and honestly, I donāt know which club I prefer.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
her: i just feel so comfortable with you š like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Do you like vampires?
š© Nosferatu
ā Yesferatu
Find a penny pick it up and all day long youāll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Iāll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid āKeep calm andā things in their tracks
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Your baby isnāt 48 months ffs…heās 4 years old.
I donāt go around saying Iām one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I donāt steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea Iām not the teacher.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..šš