Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
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The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?