Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..