“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place