Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
They’re the worst 😩
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!