GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet