GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
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So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Dietest Coke
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.