“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.