Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Good dog. ❤️
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know