I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
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Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”