@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
@lazerdoov: Genie: I shall grant you three wis- Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me Genie: here's the thing Jeff, Kate's with me now...
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*