“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*