Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)