@notalogin: Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says 'you're a joke' you can say 'the joke's on you' and disarm the situation.
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@WheelTod: You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman? That's preposterous
@chelliet22: I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower. Exactly. I'M the idiot in a slasher film.
@Mardigroan: If you throw your hands in the air like you just don't care make sure you put your coffee cup down first. I know that now.
@sofarrsogud: GUY: *cuts me off in traffic ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!! *angrily waves spoon