“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*