Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Simple enough.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.